I Miss Bill Clinton < I Miss The Jokes < -- David Harrison Levi
Pass the Laughs! Enjoy! (Printer Friendly)


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1.What's the difference between George Washington and Bill Clinton? George Washington was the father of our country. Bill Clinton is the father of your grandchildren.

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2.The president got a dog so that Hillary wouldn't be confused when she walked past the Oval Office and heard, "Roll over, sit, stay. Good. Now here's your bone."

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3.In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton," 86% replied, "Not again."

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4.What's the difference between Teddy Roosevelt and Bill Clinton? They both walked softly but only Clinton had someone else take care of his big stick.

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5. Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope goes to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as the Pope went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: You're a day late.

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6. Monica walks into the Oval Office one morning. President Clinton looks up and says, "you know, I've liked that dress since I first spotted it."


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7. There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon. It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.

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8. Hillary Clinton arrives at St. Peter's gate. On the wall are giant clocks. She asks why there are clocks in eternity. She is told the clocks measure adultery and that every time someone commits adultery the clocks tick forward just a little. She asks to see her husband's clock. St. Peter says, "Because your husband was President of the United States he has the grandest clock of all, but you can't see it because God likes to keep in his room and use it as a fan."

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9.What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer? Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!

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10. Sources say that Monica Lewinsky is outraged by Bill Clinton's claims that their relationship was purely sexual. "Hey!" she said, "It was also delusional!"

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11.What's the difference between George Bush and Monica Lewinsky? Bush said: read my lips, no more tax. Monica said: see my lips, no more sex.

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12.Bill Clinton--the man who put the "moan" in "testimony"...
A new poll shows that 12% of Americans believe that oral sex isn't sex. Well they must not be doing it right.

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13.One of Clinton's advisors came in and said "the Jennifer Flowers thing has come up again." Clinton responded, "Oh no, what now?" The advisor said, "Well, there's good news and bad news." Clinton said, "I've had a rough day...give me the good news first." The advisor replied,"The good news is...you're bigger than Magic Johnson."

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14.If President Clinton wants to raise money by placing 'sin' taxes on tobacco and alcohol, why doesn't he place one on condoms? Because the President has never had a smoking or drinking problem.

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15.What is Monica Lewinsky's favorite instrument? Well, she's pretty good on the piano, but she sucked on the organ.

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16.Why did Monica get the job in the White House in the first place? When Bill asked for references he heard "she sucks".

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17.The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil."

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18. Clinton's idea of safe sex is closing an unlocked door.

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Sorry

19. Clinton received a letter from a man who says he'll break his legs if he bothers his wife one more time. Clinton goes Vern Jordan and asks what he ought to do. Vernon says, contact the man and promise never to see the man's wife again. Clinton says, "I can't, the guy didn't sign his name".


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20. Clinton finds a bottle, opens it and a genie pops out and grants him one wish. Clinton wishes for peace in the Middle East. The genie says there are some things even a genie can't do and tells Clinton to make another wish. Clinton says he wishes that the whole Monica thing would go away. The genie says he'll take a second look at the map of the Middle East.

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21. A woman calls the White House on the phone. Hillary Clinton answers. Hillary says, "Sorry, mam, this is not the National Weather Service." President Bill hears the short conversation and asks, "Who was that?" Hillary says, "Oh, some gal asking if the coast was clear."

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22.What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House? Missionary

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23.What did Ronald Reagan say after hearing President Clinton's latest State of the Union speech? You know, Nancy, the man is a better actor than I ever was.

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24. President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

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25. Clinton speaks out on the Conan O'Brien Show
The Bible says a man shall not lie with a woman not his wife, but it doesn't say a damn thing about sitting on the edge of a copy machine. It ain't immoral if it's only oral! But she didn't inhale...

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26.What Clinton says ..........................What he really means
I was not lying. .............................I was standing up and she was lying.
I wasn't adultery....................................... She wasn't even an adult.
I did not have oral sex with her........................................... She was having it with me.
It is time to get on with the nations' business............................... If this isn't off the front page by ...................................................................................tomorrow, I'm bombing Iraq.

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27. Monica Lewinsky has stated her case and finally people have listened. When asked what phrase would best describe her attempts, she replied, "If at first you don't suck seed--try, try again."

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28. Asked to comment on Monica Lewinsky's situation, writer Judith Martin, better known as Miss Manners, has decreed that it is acceptable for young ladies to tuck their napkin in at the chin whenever they are dining under the table.

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29.The makers of Stay Free products have announced a new line of mini-pads with the President's face printed on the inside surface. As one staffer explained, "Now you can put that womanizing bozo in his place".

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30. Monica's dress will be known in history as "The spot heard round the world"

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31.What's the difference between Monica and a mosquito?
When you smack a mosquito it stops sucking.

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32.What's the first thing Bill Clinton does when he gets up in the morning?
Goes back to the Whitehouse.

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33.What does every girl do when they have dinner with the President?
They pick-up the "bill"

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34.Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom." To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

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35.How does Monica explain the stain on her dress? She was trying to hold down one of those high-pressure jobs.

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36. Newsflash! Bill Clinton has just explained the whole matter on national TV. In a brief statement he declared only, "Monica didn't inhale..."

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37.What is the difference between Bill and Monica? One sucks at his job and the other sucks on the job.

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Why does Hillary get up at 6:A.M.?
She wants to be the First Lady!..............