BIALYSTOCK
Why don't we go over to the theatre
and see what's really happening?
After all, we've only heard from a
small portion of the audience.
Let's hear what the majority thinks.
BLOOM
(in a trance)
The majority. The majority. Yes.
Let's hear from the majority.
THEY START TO LEAVE.
DISSOLVE TO BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM ENTERING LOBBY OF THEATRE.
AS THEY OPEN DOOR TO THEATRE, THEY ARE GREETED BY A SHOCK
WAVE OF LAUGHTER. THEY PAUSE STRICKEN.
BLOOM
I don't want to go in.
BIALYSTOCK
Come, we have to.
THEY TAKE EACH OTHER'S HANDS LIKE TWO FRIGHTENED LITTLE BOYS
AND CAUTIOUSLY WALK IN.
77.
CUT TO BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM AS THEY ENTER. THEY TAKE THEIR
POSITIONS AT THE BACK OF THE HOUSE AND WATCH THE PROCEEDINGS
MEEKLY, LIKE TWO LAMBS AWAITING THE SLAUGHTER.
CUT TO STAGE. HITLER HAS OBVIOUSLY CALLED A COUNCIL OF WAR.
THE FUHRER IS SURROUNDED BY HIS GENERAL STAFF.
GENERAL
(making a report)
We are falling back on all fronts.
Our soldiers are retreating.
LSD
No good, baby, no good. You heard
my orders. Nobody retreats.
Attack! Attack!
GENERAL
Who can we attack? They're all too
big.
LSD
(getting an inspiration)
Hey, man, let's stomp Switzerland!
GENERAL
We can't... we keep our money there!
CUT BACK TO BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM. THEY STARE STRAIGHT
AHEAD, STONY-FACED. HUGE TEARS WELL UP IN THEIR EYES AND
RUN DOWN THEIR CHEEKS.
CUT TO LIEBKIND. HE HAS RIPPED OFF THE ARM OF HIS CHAIR AND
IS EARNESTLY GNAWING AT IT.
LIEBKIND
Baby, again with that baby. There
must be no more babies.
LIEBKIND LEAPS FROM HIS SEAT AND HEADS TOWARD THE SIDE
ENTRANCE LEADING TO THE STAGE.
CUT BACK TO STAGE.
LSD
Where's Goebbels? Where's my
little Joe?
GENERAL
(to the wings)
Send for Goebbels.
78.
LSD
He's the only cat left that still
grooves me.
GOEBBELS ENTERS LAUGHING.
GOEBBELS
Heil, baby! I just finished the
morning propaganda broadcasts.
LSD
What did you tell the people?
GOEBBELS
I told them we invaded England.
LSD
Hey, baby, that's good! How'd we
come out?
GOEBBELS
We won.
LSD
Groovy!
THEY SMACK HANDS.
LAUGH FROM AUDIENCE.
CUT TO BACKSTAGE. LIEBKIND COMES CHARGING IN LIKE A LUNATIC.
LIEBKIND
Bring down the curtain! Bring down
the curtain!
HE RUSHES FOR THE CURTAIN ROPE. A STAGEHAND ATTEMPTS TO
STOP HIM. HE RIPS OFF HIS HELMET AND BANGS HIM OVER THE
HEAD WITH IT. AS HE SLUMPS TO THE GROUND, LIEBKIND UNDOES
THE CURTAIN ROPE.
CUT TO ACTORS ON STAGE.
LSD
Goebbels, you're the only one...
THE CURTAIN DROPS WITH A THUD. FROM BENEATH IT CRAWLS
LIEBKIND. HE JUMPS UP AND ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE.
LIEBKIND
I am the author of this play. You
are the victims of a hoax. These
are not my words. The Fuhrer never
said baby. The Fuhrer was sweet,
the Fuhrer was kind, the Fuhrer was
good.
79.
STAGE MANAGER
(off camera)
Get that curtain up.
CURTAIN STARTS TO RISE. LIEBKIND HURLS HIMSELF IT, AND
HOLDS IT DOWN.
LIEBKIND
NO! No! The curtain must not go up!
DESPITE HIS EFFORTS, THE CURTAIN SLOWLY RISES. LIEBKIND
DOES NOT RELEASE HIS HOLD ON IT. HE STARTS TO GO UP.
LIEBKIND
Stop! Stop!
AS THE CURTAIN RISES, WE SEE A BEWILDERED GROUP OF ACTORS
AND STAGE HANDS WATCHING LIEBKIND'S ASCENT. THE AUDIENCE,
THINKING LIEBKIND'S BEHAVIOR PART OF THE SHOW, ENJOYS THE
PROCEEDINGS TREMENDOUSLY. THEY BREAK INTO APPLAUSE.
CUT TO CRITIC. HE IS LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY AND TEARING UP
HIS NOTES.
CUT BACK TO LIEBKIND.
LIEBKIND
We have been betrayed! I will
return! I will returnnnnn...
LIEBKIND DISAPPEARS INTO THE FLIES.
DISSOLVE TO ANTEROOM OF BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM'S OFFICE. DAY.
ULLA, WEARING A BELTED RAINCOAT, SITS AT THE TYPEWRITER.
MUSIC FROM A RECORD PLAYER SOFTLY ROCKS IN THE BACKGROUND.
IN HER LEFT HAND SHE HOLDS A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE, FROM WHICH
SHE SIPS, WHILE HER RIGHT HAND, INDEX FINGER EXTENDED, STABS
AT THE FUNNY LITTLE KEYS. SHE IS HAPPY, IT IS THE RIGHT ONE.
THE DOOR FLIES OPEN. THE DESPERATE BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM
ENTER. ULLA LEAPS UP, QUICKLY UNDOES HER RAINCOAT, EXPOSING
HER DELICIOUS BODY, CLOTHED ONLY IN BLACK LACE UNDERTHINGS.
ULLA
We make love?
BIALYSTOCK
No! No! We don't make love. Go
to work.
ULLA IMMEDIATELY TURNS UP RECORD PLAYER TO A CRASHING BLARE
AND DOES HER GROOVY DANCE. BIALYSTOCK HOWLS IN DESPAIR AND
FLEES INTO HIS OFFICE TOGETHER WITH BLOOM.
80.
HE CLOSES THE DOOR, SHUTTING OUT THE NOISE. THE OFFICE IS
FILLED WITH FLOWERS AND CONGRATULATORY TELEGRAMS. BIALYSTOCK
SWOOPS DOWN ON THE TELEGRAMS. HE RIPS ONE OPEN AND BEGINS
READING.
BIALYSTOCK
"Congratulations. It's the biggest
hit on Broadway."
HE TEARS IT UP AND THROWS IT AWAY. HE PICKS UP ANOTHER AND
READS.
BIALYSTOCK
"Congratulations. Hitler will run
forever."
HE THROWS IT AWAY. BIALYSTOCK ATTACKS THE PILE OF TELEGRAMS.
WITHOUT OPENING THEM UP, HE TEARS THEM ONE AT A TIME.
BIALYSTOCK
(boiling with rage)
Congratulations!
HE TEARS TELEGRAM.
BIALYSTOCK
Congratulations!
HE TEARS TELEGRAM.
BIALYSTOCK
Congratulations!
HE TEARS TELEGRAM.
BIALYSTOCK
Congratulations!
HE TEARS TELEGRAM.
THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN. POSED IN THE DOORWAY IS ROGER DE BRIS.
IN ONE HAND HE CARRIES AN OPEN, BUBBLING MAGNUM OF CHAMPAGNE.
DE BRIS
(ecstatic)
Congratulations! Have you seen the
reviews? Have you seen the lines
at the box office? It's a torrent,
it's an avalanche, it's the biggest
hit on Broadway!
HE STARTS INTO THE ROOM. BIALYSTOCK GROWLS AND LUNGES AT HIM.
81.
BIALYSTOCK
You lousy fruit. You've ruined me!
HE SMASHES DE BRIS UP AGAINST THE WALL. THE CHAMPAGNE GOES
FLYING.
DE BRIS
(shrieking)
Help! Help! He's crazy! He's
going to kill me. Call the police!
Call the police! Help, help,
murder, murder, rape, rape!!!
BIALYSTOCK THROWS HIM OUT, SLAMS THE DOOR AND LOCKS IT. HE
FALLS INTO THE CHAIR AND PUTS HIS FEET UP ON THE DESK.
BIALYSTOCK
(moaning)
How could this happen? I was so
careful. I picked the wrong play,
the wrong director, the wrong cast.
Where did I go right? We forgot
one important, Bloom. Adolf Hitler
always drew a crowd.
BIALYSTOCK IS SUDDENLY AWARE THAT BLOOM IS DOING STRANGE
THINGS AT THE NEXT DESK.
BIALYSTOCK
What are you doing?
CUT TO BLOOM. HE IS FEVERISHLY PILING LEDGERS AND ACCOUNT
BOOKS TOGETHER. HE SWOOPS THEM UP IN HIS ARMS, CLUTCHES
THEM TIGHTLY AND BEGINS BACKING TOWARDS THE DOOR.
BLOOM
(defensively)
Don't try to stop me. I've made up
my mind.
BIALYSTOCK
What are you doing with those books?
Where are you going?
BLOOM
(with hysterical conviction)
I'm turning myself in. It's the
only way. I'm going to cooperate
with the authorities. They'll
reduce my sentence and then there's
time off for good behavior. And
maybe I'll get a job in the prison
library. So long.
82.
HE TURNS THE KNOB. THE DOOR IS LOCKED. HE FIDDLES WITH THE
CATCH. TOO LATE! BIALYSTOCK IS UP AND AT HIM IN A FLASH.
HE BLOCKS THE DOOR.
BIALYSTOCK
(reasonably)
Leo, take it easy. Relax, you're
overwrought. You don't know what
you're doing. You're acting out of
panic... GIMME THOSE BOOKS!
BIALYSTOCK LUNGES AT BLOOM AND GRABS FOR THE BOOKS. BLOOM
STILL RETAINS A FIRM HOLD. THEY STRUGGLE BACK AND FORTH.
BLOOM
I never should have listened to you.
BIALYSTOCK
I never should have listened to you.
BLOOM
Ohhhhhhhhh, how I hate you.
BIALYSTOCK
Double. Double. Double.
WITH A MIGHTY WRENCH, BIALYSTOCK RIPS THE BOOKS OUT OF
BLOOM'S HANDS.
BIALYSTOCK
(clutching the books triumphantly)
Haaaaa! Haaaaa! Haaaaa!
BLOOM FLIPS. HE ATTACKS BIALYSTOCK LIKE A CRAZY KID,
SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY AND PUNCHING WITH ONE ARM AS HE
PROTECTS HIS FACE WITH THE OTHER.
BLOOM
(shrieking)
FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT!
BIALYSTOCK GOES CRASHING TO THE FLOOR UNDER THE ONSLAUGHT.
BLOOM DIVES ON TOP OF HIM. THEY ROLL ON THE FLOOR LOCKED IN
MORTAL COMBAT. SUDDENLY THREE SHOTS RING OUT IN SUCCESSION.
BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM IMMEDIATELY STOP WHAT THEY'RE DOING AND
TURN TOWARD THE DOOR.
CUT TO LOCK AND HANDLE OF DOOR. THEY DROP OFF. A LITTLE
SMOKE RISES FROM THE HOLE.
LIEBKIND
(off screen, outside door)
I am betrayed!
83.
BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
CUT TO THE DOOR. IT FLIES OPEN. FRAMED IN THE DOORWAY IS
FRANZ LIEBKIND, SMOKING LUGER IN HAND.
LIEBKIND
(solemnly)
You have broken the Siegfried Oath.
You must die.
HE BLASTS AWAY. THE WINDOW IS SHATTERED. PIECES OF WALL GO
WHIZZING THROUGH THE AIR. BIALYSTOCK DROPS THE LEDGERS AND
HE AND BLOOM DIVE FOR COVER BEHIND THE DESK.
LIEBKIND
This is no good. I'm not killing
you. Don't you understand, you
have broken the Siegfried Oath.
You must die. Vill you cooperate!!!
CUT TO TIGHT TWO SHOT. BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM SCRUNCHED
BEHIND DESK. THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER IN AMAZEMENT. THERE
IS A TIMOROUS KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM
(together)
Come in. Come in.
ULLA ENTERS.
ULLA
I hear noise. You call?
SHE LOOKS AROUND.
ULLA
Where are you?
SHE CONTINUES WALKING UNTIL SHE SEES THEM CROUCHED BEHIND
THE DESK.
ULLA
Ahhh. I see you. You like
something? Coffee?
BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN DISBELIEF.
BIALYSTOCK
Coffee. Yes. That's a good idea.
(with great emphasis)
Why don't you ask the gentleman
with the gun... The gentleman who
is shooting at us... and trying to
kill us... what he will have.
84.
ULLA
(to Liebkind)
You like coffee?
CUT TO BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM. THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER,
DUMBFOUNDED.
LIEBKIND
Yes, please. Black. Two sugars.
ULLA REPEATS TO HERSELF AS SHE STARTS FOR THE DOOR.
ULLA
Three coffees. Two regular. One
black... two sugars.
SHE EXITS AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.
BIALYSTOCK LOOKS UP TO THE FATES AND MAKES A SMALL SOUND OF
DESPAIR.
LIEBKIND
And now ve must resume hostilities.
Are you coming out from behind that
desk or not?
BIALYSTOCK
Not.
LIEBKIND
Cowards, miserable cringing cowards.
Clinging to life like baby
butterflies. Vatch, vatch and
remember. Franz Liebkind vill show
you how to die like a man!
HE PLACES THE MUZZLE OF THE GUN AGAINST HIS TEMPLE. BLOOM
AND BIALYSTOCK PEER OVER THE DESK TO SEE.
LIEBKIND
(exhalted)
Soon I vill be vit mine Fuhrer, und
Goering, und Goebbels, and Himmler.
I'm coming boys!
HE PULLS THE TRIGGER. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. THE GUN IS
JAMMED. HE THROWS THE GUN DOWN IN DISGUST.
LIEBKIND
(in utter anguish)
Boy, vhen things go wrong!
HE FALLS INTO A CHAIR AND SOBS LIKE A CHILD.
85.
LIEBKIND
I'm a failure. I'm a failure. I'm
a failure.
BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM COME OUT FROM BEHIND DESK. BIALYSTOCK
LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
BIALYSTOCK
Five o'clock. Killed a whole day
playing hide-and-seek with a crazy
Kraut.
BIALYSTOCK PICKS UP LUGER.
LIEBKIND
(still sobbing)
I'm not crazy. I'm inept.
HE CONTINUES TO SOB. BLOOM WALKS OVER TO THE WEEPING
LIEBKIND AND COMFORTINGLY PATS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.
BLOOM
There, there.
LIEBKIND
(looking around)
Vhere? Vhere?... oh...
BIALYSTOCK
(to Liebkind)
You crazy lunatic! What are you
shooting at us for? Why don't you
use this
(indicates gun)
where it will do us some good? Why
don't you shoot the actors?
(the thought strikes home)
Liebkind, have I ever steered you
wrong?
LIEBKIND
Always.
BIALYSTOCK
Never mind. Listen. Every night
people are laughing at your beloved
Fuhrer. Why?
LIEBKIND
It's that LSD und his verdampter
babies!...
86.
BIALYSTOCK
(handing him the gun
and some money)
Here. Buy bullets. Kill. Kill
them all!
BLOOM
What???
BIALYSTOCK
(to Bloom)
Shut up.
LIEBKIND
Yes. The actors. I must destroy
the actors.
LIEBKIND STARTS TO GO.
BLOOM
Stop! Stop! This is insanity.
HE LEAPS ACROSS THE ROOM AND WRENCHES THE GUN FROM LIEBKIND'S
HAND.
BLOOM
(screaming)
Have you lost your mind? What are
you talking about? Kill the actors.
You can't kill the actors --
they're not animals, they're human
beings!
BIALYSTOCK
They are? Have you ever eaten with
one? Liebkind, go! Kill!
BLOOM
Liebkind, no!
BIALYSTOCK
(to Bloom)
What are you doing? We're trapped.
It's either the show or us. There's
no way out. What can we do, blow
up the theatre?
BIALYSTOCK FREEZES AS THE THOUGHT TAKES HOLD.
CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF BLOOM. HIS EYES NARROW AS HE SERIOUSLY
CONSIDERS THE PROPOSAL.
CUT TO CLOSE-UP LIEBKIND. HIS FACE A POSTER OF SHINING
APPROVAL.
87.
CAMERA PULLS BACK. THE THREE OF THEM SEARCH EACH OTHER'S
FACES EARNESTLY. THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY IN ACCORD.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN. DARKENED CELLAR OF THEATRE. WE SEE THE FAINT GLOW
OF A SHIELDED LAMP AT THE END OF A TUNNEL. AS THE CAMERA
MOVES THROUGH TUNNEL CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE LIGHT, WE MAKE
OUT THE SHADOWY FORMS OF THREE MEN.
CAMERA DOLLIES IN TO REVEAL BIALYSTOCK, BLOOM AND LIEBKIND.
BLOOM IS HOLDING A MINER'S LAMP. LIEBKIND IS TRYING BRICK
LOOSE FROM WALL. BIALYSTOCK IS CONSULTING MAP. BRICK COMES
LOOSE. LIEBKIND REMOVES IT.
LIEBKIND
(the surgeon at work)
Dynamite.
BLOOM SLAPS A NEATLY TAPED BUNDLE OF DYNAMITE INTO LIEBKIND'S
HAND. LIEBKIND GENTLY PLACES IT IN OPENING.
LIEBKIND
Fuse cap.
BIALYSTOCK REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND HANDS HIM A FUSE CAP.
LIEBKIND PUTS CAP IN PLACE.
LIEBKIND
Fuse.
BLOOM REACHES IN POCKET, TAKES OUT SPOOL OF FUSE, HANDS IT
TO LIEBKIND.
LIEBKIND
Thank you.
LIEBKIND TIES FUSE IN PLACE.
LIEBKIND
Gut. Now for the master connection.
CAMERA FOLLOWS THEM AS THEY MOVE BACK THROUGH THE TUNNEL.
LIEBKIND TRAILS FUSE FROM SPOOL. THEY FINALLY EMERGE INTO
AN OPEN AREA OF CELLAR DIRECTLY BENEATH THE STAGE.
LIEBKIND
Gut. Now vhere's the other fuse?
BLOOM RAISES HIS LAMP, REVEALING A SIMILAR TUNNEL ON THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CELLAR.
BLOOM
There it is.
88.
CAMERA INSERT: CLOSE-UP SIMILAR FUSE PROTRUDING FROM SECOND
TUNNEL.
BACK TO SCENE.
LIEBKIND
(to Bloom)
Pick it up and bring it here, please.
BLOOM
Okay.
HE STARTS TOWARD SECOND TUNNEL.
LIEBKIND
(anxiously)
Where are you going vit the light?
BLOOM
I need it. How'm I gonna find the
fuse?
LIEBKIND
Oh, ve come vit you. All for one
and all in the light.
THE THREE OF THEM GINGERLY TIPTOE OVER TO SECOND TUNNEL
ENTRANCE. BLOOM PICKS UP THE FUSE. THEY TIPTOE BACK.
BLOOM HANDS FUSE TO LIEBKIND.
LIEBKIND REACHES INTO HIS KNAPSACK, TAKES OUT LITTLE BLACK
METAL BOX WITH TWO TERMINAL CAPS AT EITHER END AND SETS IT
DOWN ON CELLAR FLOOR.
LIEBKIND
Now ve take the two fuse leads,
attach them to the terminals of the
conductor and ve're in business.
BIALYSTOCK
(grinning)
You mean out of business. Heh, heh.
LIEBKIND BEGINS FIDDLING WITH THE FUSE LEADS AND TERMINALS.
BLOOM
Max, I...
BIALYSTOCK
(irritated. He has
not time for small talk)
What is it?
89.
BLOOM
Well, I... Well, it's just that...
I'm sorry I called you fat, fat, fat.
BIALYSTOCK
(smacking Bloom
affectionately on the shoulder)
Ahhhhhh. Leo, Leo, Leo.
LIEBKIND
(mumbling to himself)
Plus to minus. Negative to positive.
Male to...
BIALYSTOCK
Come on. Let's get going.
LIEBKIND
Qviet. Qviet This is very
important.
HE TURNS BACK TO HIS WORK.
LIEBKIND
Vait a minute. Vait a minute.
Male to male? Male to female?
Female to male? Female to female?
Vait a minute. In people, male to
female. But electricity is strange.
It's male to male.
HE QUICKLY FINISHES THE CONNECTION.
LIEBKIND
Sehr gut.
(to Bialystock)
Slow fuse, please.
BIALYSTOCK REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND HANDS LIEBKIND A ROLL
OF FUSE.
LIEBKIND
Thank you.
HE BEGINS TYING SLOW FUSE TO CONDUCTOR.
LIEBKIND
(as he works)
Now ve take the slow fuse. Tie one
end to the master connection and
the other ve attach to the detonator.
HE FINISHES CONNECTIONS.
90.
LIEBKIND
Come, ve go to the detonator.
THEY BEGIN TO MOVE BACK AS LIEBKIND SLOWLY SPOOLS OUT FUSE.
THEY START UP THE STAIRS.
LIEBKIND
Vait a minute. Are you sure this
is slow fuse? It feels like qvick
fuse.
(to Bloom)
Shine your light on it.
BLOOM SHINES LIGHT ON FUSE.
LIEBKIND
I don't know. I don't know. The
markings are so similar. Qvick
fuse or slow fuse?
LIEBKIND TAKES A WOODEN MATCH OUT OF HIS POCKET.
LIEBKIND
I must find out. It is critical.
HE STRIKES THE MATCH AND LIGHTS THE FUSE. WHOOSH! IT
IGNITES. THE SPARKS RUSH TOWARD THE MASTER CONNECTION.
LIEBKIND CHARGES DOWN THE STAIRS AND CHASES AFTER THE QUICK
BURNING FUSE FOR ALL HE'S WORTH. HE CATCHES UP WITH IT JUST
BEFORE IT REACHES THE MASTER CONNECTION AND QUICKLY STAMPS
IT OUT.
LIEBKIND
Let's face it. That was dumb.
HE TROTS BACK.
LIEBKIND
Boys, vhere is you?
BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM COME CRAWLING OUT FROM BEHIND STAIRS.
LIEBKIND
(seeing them)
Dot vas the qvick one.
BIALYSTOCK
We assumed that.
LIEBKIND REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND SHOWS THEM A ROLL OF
FUSE.
91.
LIEBKIND
Here. You see. This is the slow
fuse. It is much wider. It has
more resistance, more density.
Therefore, it burns slower.
BIALYSTOCK
You mean you had the slow fuse in
your pocket all the time and you
forgot to put it on?
LIEBKIND
Yes. Amazing isn't it?
BIALYSTOCK RAISES HIS CANE AND SMASHES LIEBKIND ON THE
HELMET. BONNNG.
BIALYSTOCK
You stupid kraut!
LIEBKIND
Vhy do you always call me kraut?
Kraut is cabbage! Do ve call you
hot dogs? Ve call you Yanks not
franks!
BIALYSTOCK
All right. Finish the job. Let's
get outta here.
CUT TO SIDE DOOR OF THEATRE. THE DOOR OPENS SLOWLY.
BIALYSTOCK, BLOOM AND LIEBKIND TIPTOE OUT. BLOOM SETS
DETONATOR DOWN.
LIEBKIND
Und now for the final connection.
HE WRAPS THE FUSE LEAD AROUND THE METAL CONTACT POLE AND
RAISES THE PLUNGER.
BIALYSTOCK
Wait. I'll check to see if the
coast is clear.
HE RUNS TO THE END OF THE ALLEY. LOOKS BOTH WAYS AND RUNS
BACK.
BIALYSTOCK
The coast is clear!
LIEBKIND
Good. Get down.
92.
BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM CROUCH DOWN AND HOLD THEIR EARDRUMS.
LIEBKIND GRABS THE HANDLE OF THE DETONATOR. HIS EYES
SUDDENLY GLISTEN WITH TEARS.
LIEBKIND
Goodbye, my foolish fancy. Goodbye,
my misbegotten child. Goodbye, my
tortured testament of twisted truths.
BIALYSTOCK
Do it! Do it!
LIEBKIND TENSES HIMSELF FOR THE PLUNGE. HE STARTS AND STOPS.
LIEBKIND
I can't. I can't do it. It's a
demon. It's a gargoyle, it's a
monster... but it's still my child.
HE SOBS INCONSOLABLY. BIALYSTOCK ROUGHLY PUSHES HIM ASIDE
AND GRABS THE HANDLE OF THE DETONATOR AND PLUNGES IT DOWN.
HE HURLS HIMSELF TO THE GROUND AND COVERS HIS HEAD IN
ANTICIPATION OF THE EXPLOSION. NOTHING HAPPENS. AFTER A
WHILE THEY ALL RAISE THEIR HEADS CURIOUSLY.
BIALYSTOCK
(quizzically)
Nothing.
LIEBKIND GOES TO PLUNGER, RAISES HANDLE AND EXAMINES
DETONATOR.
LIEBKIND
Here is gut... of course, of course.
In electricity, it's always male to
female. But with people, it's not
always so. Come ve must go back.
BIALYSTOCK
Do you need us?
LIEBKIND
Of course I need you. It's dark in
there.
BLOOM
Okay, okay. Let's not waste time.
THEY OPEN THE SIDE DOOR AND DISAPPEAR INTO THE THEATRE.
DRUNK
(off camera, singing)
"Honeymoon, keep a shinin' in June,"
93.
CUT TO ENTRANCE OF ALLEY. DRUNK COMES STAGGERING INTO VIEW.
HE SPOTS DETONATOR.
DRUNK
"your silvery beams,
Will light love's dreams," What
the heck is that? A bicycle pump?
Naaah. Lemme see. Could it be?
Good grief, it's Eli Whitney's
cotton gin... Naaah. Aahh, I know
what it is.
HE WALKS OVER TO DETONATOR AND SITS ON FIRE STANCHION JUST
BEHIND IT. HE RAISES HIS FOOT AND STARTS IT DOWN TOWARD THE
PLUNGER.
DRUNK
Shine 'em up!
HE PUSHES PLUNGER DOWN WITH HIS FOOT.
CUT TO LONG SHOT OF THEATRE. (MOCK UP) THERE IS A TERRIFIC
EXPLOSION. PIECES OF THE THEATRE GO FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.
CUT TO TIGHT SHOT OF DRUNK. HE IS ON HIS KNEES. DEBRIS
CRASHES ALL AROUND HIM. SMOKE AND NOISE FILL THE AIR. HE
STAGGERS TO HIS FEET. HE ROCKS BACK AND FORTH AS THOUGH HE
WERE IN AN EARTHQUAKE.
DRUNK
(bravely singing)
"Sa-an Fra-ancisco, open your
golden gates,
Don't let a stranger wait...
DISSOLVE TO TIGHT SHOT OF JUDGE'S GAVEL SOLEMNLY RAPPING FOR
ORDER.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL CROWDED COURTROOM.
CAMERA MOVES IN TO FOREGROUND OF COURT. THERE, SEATED AT
THE DEFENDANT'S TABLE ARE, IN ORDER, BLOOM WITH HIS ARM IN A
SLING, BIALYSTOCK WITH HIS LEG IN A CAST, AND A MUMMY
SWATHED IN BANDAGES. WE KNOW THE MUMMY IS LIEBKIND BECAUSE
IT IS WEARING A GERMAN HELMET.
LIEBKIND
(mumbling through his bandages)
Male to male? Male to female?
CUT TO TIGHT SHOT OF JUDGE.
JUDGE
Has the jury reached a verdict?
94.
CUT TO JURY. THEIR EXPRESSIONS INDICATE THAT THEY ARE NOT
AT ALL WELL-DISPOSED TOWARD THE DEFENDANTS.
CAMERA CLOSES IN ON FOREMAN. HE RISES.
FOREMAN
We have, your honor.
JUDGE
(off camera)
How does the jury find?
FOREMAN
We find the defendants incredibly
guilty.
CUT TO JUDGE.
JUDGE
Will the defendants please rise and
approach the bench.
CUT TO BIALYSTOCK, BLOOM AND LIEBKIND. THEY STRUGGLE TO
THEIR FEET AND HOBBLE TO THE JUDGE'S BENCH.
JUDGE
Do the defendants have anything to
say in their behalf before the
court pronounces sentence?
BLOOM
I would like to say a word, sir,
not on my behalf, but in behalf of
my partner, Max Bialystock.
JUDGE
Proceed.
BLOOM
Thank you, your honor. Max
Bialystock is a very selfish man.
BIALYSTOCK
(whispers to Bloom)
Don't help me.
BLOOM
He's a liar and a cheat and a
scoundrel. He's taken money from
little old ladies. He's talked
people into doing things they never
would have dreamed of. Especially
me. But who has he really hurt?
(MORE)
95.
BLOOM (CONT'D)
Who are the victims? Not me, I had
the most exciting adventure of my
life. And what about the little
old ladies? What would their lives
have been without Max Bialystock?
He made them feel wanted and young
and attractive again.
LITTLE OLD LADIES
(off camera, ad-lib)
"Oh, Max, Max, I love you Max."
"Let him go, let him go."
"Don't take my Bialy."
JUDGE
(rapping gavel)
Order. Order.
BIALYSTOCK
And may I humbly add, your honor,
that we have learned our lesson and
we'll never do it again.
JUDGE
I will take that into consideration.
The defendants shall serve not more
than five and not less than two
years in the State Penitentiary.
(he pounds gavel)
DISSOLVE THROUGH TO SIGN ON STONE WALL. SIGN READS: STATE
PENITENTIARY.
DISSOLVE THROUGH TO PRISON YARD. DETACHMENTS OF PRISONERS,
LED BY GUARDS, MARCH PAST CAMERA.
DISSOLVE THROUGH TO EXTERIOR OF PRISON BUILDING MARKED:
PRISON LAUNDRY. MUCH NOISE AND STEAM.
CAMERA PANS TO ANOTHER BUILDING MARKED: MACHINE SHOP. LOUD
METALLIC CACOPHONY EMANATES FROM INSIDE.
CAMERA CONTINUES ITS JOURNEY. IT COMES TO REST ON PRISON
AUDITORIUM. TINKLE OF PIANO IS HEARD FROM INSIDE.
CAMERA MOVES THROUGH CLOSED DOORS TO INTERIOR. WE SEE A
LONG LINE OF PRISONERS (20). FOR SOME REASON THEY ARE ALL
HOLDING MONEY IN THEIR HANDS. LINE ENDS AT A DESK. SEATED
AT THE DESK, IN A GREY, PRISON UNIFORM, IS NUMBER: 979345,
FORMERLY KNOWN TO US AS LEO BLOOM. BESIDE THE TABLE IS A
LARGE DISPLAY BOARD READING:
96.
WORLD PREMIERE
979344 and 979345
PRESENT
"PRISONERS OF LOVE"
STARRING 778629 and
CO-STARRING 440123
INVEST NOW!!!! HUGE PROFITS GUARANTEED!!!
A PRISONER HANDS BLOOM MONEY. BLOOM COUNTS IT AND PUTS IT
INTO TIN BOX. HE HANDS PRISONER A RECEIPT.
BLOOM
Twenty-five dollars. Here's your
receipt. You now own 28% of
"Prisoners of Love."
CAMERA PANS TO STAGE. THE STAGE IS FILLED WITH A LINE OF
CONVICT "CHORUS GIRLS." THEIR TROUSERS ROLLED UP ABOVE
THEIR KNEES, SHOWING AN ASSORTMENT OF INTERESTING HAIRY LEGS.
AT THE PIANO, KNOCKING OUT THE LIVELY RHYTHM, IS FRANZ
LIEBKIND AND HIS EVER POPULAR GERMAN HELMET.
ON STAGE DIRECTING THE REHEARSAL IS THE INDOMITABLE MAX
BIALYSTOCK.
BIALYSTOCK
(waving his cane and
shouting at the top
of his lungs)
Higher, you animals, higher! We
open Saturday night! Kick! Kick!
Two-three-kick-turn! Two-three-
kick-turn! Okay, let's hear it!
THE PRISONERS BREAK INTO SONG.
PRISONERS
(singing)
"We're prisoners of love, etc."
MUSIC SWELLS TO CRESCENDO.
CAMERA PULLS BACK TO ENCOMPASS THE ENTIRE STAGE AS
"THE END"
AND SUBSEQUENT TECHNICAL CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.
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